How the Boar Got His Snout (By Ethan)

  Once upon a time, on the coast of the cold North Sea, there lived a Boar that was most unhappy. Because, back in the days when Life was just evolving, Best Beloved, the Boar had no snout. He had only this flat, hairy, pinkish-black pancake of a nose (which didn't look anything like the schnozzle you see on boars today), and it had no holes in it either. So, it must've been 'scrutiating painful to eat because he had no sense of smell. And it was. Whenever he ate, in the most upset mood imaginable, he'd pick and he'd lick; and he'd nibble and he'd fibble; and (if the truffle he ate was ever so foul), he'd moan and he'd groan and kneel over in a sad brown frown. This caused him much trouble. And soon he ate most everything indeed. A carrot here, some radish there, and flower petals everywhere!

  One morning the Boar waddled along the Uniford Plain, and presently, came to a Hare (with ears longer than the plain), the ‘sclusively brown-furry-speckly-fawny kind, and saw 24 Carrots, the ‘sclusively white-orange-purple-crinkly kind, and said “There’s breakfast.” He licked and bit and decided that it tasted not too bad. But, pretty soon, he came across one foul Carrot with an unimaginably gruesome stink, and, since the Boar had no sense of smell, he did not know that it had gone off, so he ate it, and got a violent case of the tummy troubles. Then, (I hate to say it), he piffled little crinkly orange-purple blobs all over(They shall not be forgotten, Best Beloved)! This made the Hare (with ears longer than the plain) very angry, and he said “My dear old carrots! That foolish boar!”

  Then, that noon, the Boar scooted across the Biford Plain, and presently saw a Night-gull bird, the ‘sclusively tannish-feathery-wing-beaty kind, (with a voice sweet as candy), and spotted 25 Worms, the ‘sclusively blackish-bluish-slimy-but-smooth-wriggly kind, and said “Well, look, lunch.” He licked and bit and decided that it tasted not too bad. But, pretty soon, he came across one sick Worm with a very bad odor, and, since the Boar had no sense of smell, he did not know that it was ill and had a very bad odor, so he ate it, and got a violent case of the tummy troubles. Then, (I hate to say it again), he piffled blackish-bluish slimy blobs all over(Have you let the memory of these leave your mind?)! This made the Night-gull (with a voice sweet as candy) very angry, and she chirped “My dear old worms! That foolish boar!”

  That evening, the Boar crawled along the Triford Plain, and presently, spied out a Snake, the scaly-plasticy-slithery-green-black kind, (with sharp looking black slits in its eyes) and saw 26 Mice, the hairy-germy-grayish-leathery-squeaky-jittery kind, and said “My supper is here.” He licked and bit and decided that it tasted not too bad. But, pretty soon, he came across one dead Mouse with a decayed body and an extremely unpleasant whiff, and, since the Boar had no sense of smell, he did not know it was rotten, so he ate it, and got a violent case of the tummy troubles. Then, (I hate to say it yet another time), he piffled grayish-furry-leathery blobs all over(Which you cannot forget)! This made the Snake very angry, and he hissed “My dear old mice! That foolish boar!”

  Day after long day passed, and still the Boar continued this behavior until the Three got very much annoyed, and so they gathered and mumbled among themselves and finally, came up with a decision. They built a grotesque sculpture of the Boar himself, using the blobs that the real Boar had left behind while eating (which is the reason why you could not forget the blobs!) and picked it up and carried it to the Boar, who was growling at an anthill. He heard footsteps and turned around. Next thing, the Boar was scampering and following him were the Hare, Night-gull, and Snake, all carrying the sculpture. They ran the entire way around the Triford Plain, and then the Three chased the Boar into the Quadford Plain.

   This Plain was very much different from the others. It looked more like a desert than a plain. The Boar noticed this and was so absorbed by the fact that he failed to notice a very roomy stone house looming up over them. The Three saw this and screeched to a halt. The Boar, however, kept running until he saw the house, stopped dead in his tracks, and slowly looked up. The view nearly stopped his heart. He had been chased smack into the Palace of the Sorceress of the Fords! The Three then seized the thunderstruck boar and dragged him through the giant doors and into the vast palace. The Boar took one peek at the Sorceress and froze.

  The Sorceress had a grinourmous amount of power and had the body of a horse, the tusks, spiraling horns (the kind that goes around and around for a long time, so it looks like it doesn’t have an end), and huge flailing trunk of the Quadford xyler (which looks like a cross between an ibex and an elephant, so there’s your trunk and tusks and horns!), the feathers of a robin, and ears of a rabbit.

  So, Best Beloved they brought forward the Boar to the Sorceress and told the whole story. "Hmm," the Sorceress said " This is a problem of great mind-racking woe and must be solved!" She sat in her throne, all the while inspecting the Boar, and thought of a Magic. She lifted her trunk and thought of her Magic still more, and then it began to take action. The Boar abruptly saw his pancake-like schnozzle going all stretched with a “RIIF!” “RAAF!” noise. The Boar was very much terrified, and said “Oh, stop will you?!” But since his nose was still stretched as he said this, it came out something like “Oh, shtnop, will you?!” And as “shtnop” sounds sort of like “snout”, we always call that kind of nose on all Boars you will ever see “snout” to this very day. The Sorceress stopped. Then she stood over the Boar, lowered her head faster than a wink, and next moment, there was a pop and a hiss and a yelp from the Boar, for, using her tusks, the Sorceress had spiked the two holes we always see and recognize on boars today. "Hey, I can smell now!" the now-happy Boar remarked. And indeed he could! Now he can tell the exact difference between a nice healthy truffle and the notorious-white-cuffle. And that is the end of this tale.